Although this was not my intention, I began to feel more deeply than I knew possible. My intuition grew to the size of my human body and my instincts began to prove themselves present. I became connected with the oneness we all innately seek a greater relationship. I began to travel to the places I dreamed of visiting. My consciousness expanded into a world never before seen. I read books to fill all the empty space in my head. I learned to pray and meditate to fill the void of my soul. I made new friends. I healed old wounds. I put closure to relationships that no longer served their purposes in my newly ever-expanding rebirth. I yearned for love but releived myself of the burdening desire for admiration. I slipped into the ethers and elusive of this grand life. The parts of myself I’d worked so unknowingly hard to deafen slowly learned to speak again, but in a new language that grew closer and more familiar on a daily basis. My world grew large, and then larger. I experienced everything around me on a heightened and elaborated scale. Not all of this was desirable, but deemed necessary for what seemed to be the permanent enlightenment I’d been seeking.
In return, I’d been given everything. Completely freely, I was given the life beyond my wildest dreams. Why? I don’t fucking know. I worked for it… maybe? It was my destiny that had been hidden in the deck of cards the whole time… I guess? My dreams had turned into visions which quickly manifested themselves into reality so much faster than I could check them off my mental lists. I felt as if I was grasping straws with the fear that if any of them slipped through my fingers, they’d be lost for good. I remember the moment I looked out a bedroom window at an unobstructed but distant view of the Empire State Building. “Remember this moment,” I said to myself. “Remember this moment.” I reminded myself, almost pleading with myself. “This is the moment when I had it all.” And so I remembered, and I held onto that feeling of gratitude like the handful of straws.
I repeated this moment while backpacking India. Again while running along the black coast beaches of Lima, Peru. Also while ascending in a tiny plane as it exited Maracaibo. I absorbed the colossal shifts within myself as I watched the sun rise in the distance from my seat in the most remote islands of the world. I saw Buenos Aires and Paris. I saw private islands and jets and castles and so much money that I became immune to the finer things in life. I was no longer connected to things, but to people, and even more so, to their souls.
Our experiences healed each one another. The very things we found in common were things that no amount of money could ever buy. My fellow warriors were my soul’s mates that were spread across the globe silently awaiting my arrival to yin their yangs. We energetically turned each others’ lives on their heads. We resuscitated one another over and over and guided each other fearlessly into the unknown where we’d find ourselves so overwhelmed with courage and contentment that we slid down the walls on our backs and extinguished a sigh of relief that we hadn’t felt since we took that first prepubescent drink. For all we had known was lost in the before, and all the dreams we once held had dissipated for they were now our reality. There was no line to cross, there were no systems of measurement remaining, just the inner decisiveness revealing and reveling in the newly discovered abyss we now lived in forever.
Grateful is not a word that has the power to elaborate on this painstakingly honest path I chose for myself. But the fact that I’m still here to write about it almost makes it real. Almost.
Site Title 